The Unexpected First Step to Ending Anger

Want to stop being angry - at your spouse, at God, and at yourself?

Here’s the simple, easy, and tried-and-true first step that will actual change your life.

You messed up again. You told yourself you’d get it right… and then you didn’t. Now you feel disgusting. Like you’re an idiot. Like you’re the worst. Maybe you think the thought “I hate myself.” The pain of shame is so challenging. And then what happens next? You take that anger out on someone you love or you drown it out with distraction: media, food, scrolling… or worse. But here’s what we have to ask: where is the anger coming from and how do we heal it before it ruins us?

Here is the truth. When we’re born, we “forget” we’re part of the Oneness of Hashem. In that forgetting, we feel and see ourselves as separate beings. When you feel separate, you feel vulnerable (as in, anything can happen). This is the source of all our fear (something bad might happen) and desire (something good should happen). This is going on underneath the surface of our thoughts. The fear and desire then creates our “needs”, meaning: a mental picture of how things are supposed to be, how they should be, how they have to be in order for you to be okay. And then… life doesn’t match your picture. Boom, anger.

Truth = Oneness = All is Good

But we experience = Separateness

Separateness --> Fear & Desire -->  Needs & “Should’s” --> Mismatched Reality --> Anger

When life doesn’t match your picture, and you can’t point to anyone, you blame God. When it’s someone you love, you blame them. And when you know it was you, you blame yourself. Same anger - different target. Your underlying picture of how life should be creates expectations, and expectations are resentments waiting to happen.

The end goal is spiritual awakening - an internal return to that lived knowing of Oneness. But that’s not the first step. Trust me, the first step is counterintuitive: fully accept that you should be angry.
Yes. You read that right. When you find yourself upset - you should be. Let me explain.

I was speaking at a conference, and a man came over to me, and he was visibly frustrated.

“I’m so angry at my wife,” he said.
“Why?” I asked.

“She keeps making huge mistakes with our finances. And when I’m mad, I say and do terrible things. But I know I should be a better person. I should be better than this.”

So, I asked him: “Should you be angry?”

He didn’t hesitate. “Of course not. I should be better than this.”

I said, “Okay. But did she do something that would make a person upset?”

He looked at me like I was slow. “Yes. I just told you.”

I looked at him, “And it makes sense to you why you’d feel upset?”

He responded, “Of course.”

So I gently said, “So… should you be angry?”

“No!” he said. “I should be a bigger person. Just someone who can be more calm and compassionate.”

I said, “Yes. That’s true. But she did something that upset you, right?”

“Yes.”

“And it makes sense to you that you’re upset, right?”

“Yes.”

“So… you should be angry.”

He practically yelled: “NOW I’M EVEN MORE ANGRY!”

I smiled and said, “Close your eyes. Take a deep breath. And repeat after me:

‘I should be angry. It makes sense to me that I am angry. I should be angry.’”

He repeated it and I asked him to take a second breath.

I said, “So… how do you feel right now?”

He grinned.
“Not as angry."

You see, that’s the trick. Why would that help? Because there’s a hidden trigger almost nobody notices. The “should / have to / supposed to” picture is what got you angry in the first place, but once you’re angry, most people subconsciously pile on a second “should”:

• “I shouldn’t feel this way.”
• “I should be better than this.”

Listen to the language. It’s just another “should,” another picture of how you think you’re supposed to be. And that second “should” is what locks the anger in place.

Acceptance doesn’t justify your behavior. It just stops the inner war so you can respond with clarity.

So, here’s the practice for the next time you’re angry or frustrated (do this in real time):

1. Ask yourself: Am I okay that I’m angry? Should I be angry?
2. Notice your answer - yes or no.
3. If the answer is “no” (I shouldn’t be angry / I’m not okay with this feeling), take one deep breath and say to yourself:
   “Yes. I’m allowed to be angry. Yes, it makes sense that I’m angry. Yes, I should be angry.”
4. Take a second deep breath… and return to the situation.

Don’t take my word for it. Go try it.
Don’t rely on my story for evidence - go become the evidence, and then share this with someone else.

This is only the first step. What we’re really looking for is the re-awakening of a positive, loving, God-conscious reality - the one we’re here in this world learning to experience.

When you’re ready to awaken, I want you to consider joining Awaken - our ongoing weekly program for spiritual awakening, personal empowerment, and emotional healing.

Right now, for taking this first step towards an aligned life, you can try the first month for under a dollar: $0.97.

Use the Code: 97 - to unlock this special first month offer.

P.S. If you want the deeper layers (deveikus, surrender, expectations, trust, bitul, nervous system tools, and the return to Oneness), that’s what we do inside Awaken.